creaking of the tented sky

never have i felt so used in my entire life. i am at a loss for words. hurt. angry. sad. confused. let me start at the beginning. my friend (this was over the trip i have yet to tell you about) told me she was suicidal and that she cut herself. she spoke harshly about life, about how easy it would be to end it and i spent hours reasoning with her, promising to keep her secret, making her promise to take it one day at a time. we came home and it got worse, she promised to try yet she had a cut on her arm when i next saw her and as we walked around town, i had to physically stop her from throwing herself in front of a car... several times. finally, i just broke down and started crying (this was monday nite), i told her that i could do no more, i had given her my time, energy and tears, i was up several times every night worrying, i prayed and prayed and prayed. and she gave me a hug, she promised once again that she would try. as i walked her back to her house we talked more about how she would promise herself every morning just get through today.

this morning, she took me aside "you're not going to like this" she said. i was so afraid of what she might say next that what she did say nearly shocked me to death. " it was a lie" a lie. the whole effing this was a lie. all of it. every flipping suicidal crap word. she didnt cut herself, i verified with someone who was there that she fell and scraped it. so dont i feel like the worlds biggest loser. she did it for attention from a friend... they did it to each other, slowly it got worse and worse until the idiot friend wrote a note to my friends parents making my friend sound even more suicidal (if possible) and blah blah all so these girls could see each other again. why they cant is a looooooooong story. anyways, so i got mad. like you have no idea what i have gone through for this chick, and it was all a joke. and to think i never even guessed. no, i take that back, at times i did. it seemed so farfetched, so crazy, so out there, and some times she looked to angry, too sad, to psycho, i should have known. but she let me cry. she let me beg and plead for her to try. and never said a word. she let me play the role of idiot, and i did it well. i cared too much, and she used me. because i cared, she used me. so what did i do? i slammed my locker, i slammed my books on the floor, i stormed into the gym.. and then i decided we needed to talk again. she said she was sorry and i forgave her, i hugged her, i cried because i hate what she did to me, but i was the liar this time. i havent really forgiven her, how can i in one day? i did so much for her and it was all a joke. every effing flipping frappe word. what did i do to deserve her crap? i have always been here for her, ever since i met her. i have stood by her when other people leave and this is what i get? a crapload of lies. but today, it was easier to pretend i forgave her then to be angry.

shae